Mental Health Talk Belle Hanneman, Registered Psychologist in Edmonton            

Topics:
Conflict Resolution and Stress Management
– Techniques for resolving conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner
– The impact of unresolved conflicts on mental health and ways to manage marital stress
Financial Stress and Mental Health
– The impact of financial pressures on marital relationships and
women’s mental health
– Coping mechanisms and financial planning strategies to reduce stress
Belle Hanneman, Registered Psychologist in Edmonton
My name is Belle Hanneman and I am a registered psychologist in Edmonton.
I’ve been in the mental health field for over 10 years. I run my own practice called Splendour Psychological. As a psychologist I’ve taken many trainings in areas such as trauma, couple’s counselling, and treating anxiety, but my
specialty is Christian counselling. Most individuals on my caseload are Christian women and women of colour. I really love my job, and the best part
about it is being able to include God in the healing process and watching Him do great and miraculous things. As you can probably tell, I’m a Christ-follower, and I have been part of my church in Edmonton for almost 12 years now. I’m a wife to my husband Steve, who is a missionary, and together we are raising our two daughters, ages 5 and 7. When Margaret asked me to speak on conflict resolution and stress management, it was a bit challenging choosing which tools to share, because
there are so many options out there. But as I began to write and pray and process with God, the messages started to come together. Usually, before
presenting a talk, I ask God, “Father, what would you like them to hear? What do you want them to know?” You see, as a Christian therapist, many of my very practical principles of transformation, growth, and healing have God at the centre. And for today’s talk, I had a sense that he’s wanting you to invite him into your story so he can offer you healing not only within yourself but also
within your relationships. Throughout this talk, we’re going to be visiting principles of conflict resolution and stress management in a trauma-informed way through the lens of this theme, the theme of stories, and specifically the concept of shame stories that
are at the root of relational conflict and stress. We’ll explore some different
communication and coping strategies, but we’ll also explore why understanding your story is one of the best tools you can use when it comes to effective conflict resolution and stress management. Shame Stories
Example: The Stories That we Tell Ourselves We all have stories that we tell ourselves. These stories are narratives that replay in our minds, and they often stem from painful childhood experiences. Sometimes, these are quite subconscious and we aren’t aware of them. In Christian circles, these are often called “lies of the enemy” because they’re lies and the opposite of what God wants you to know about yourself. They’re also more than just feelings of guilt. Guilt is a negative feeling about
something you’ve done. For example, guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame
is a self-referencing statement about yourself. Shame says, “I am bad.” In my practice, to explain the concept of shame stories, I’ll often ask the
question, “What is the story you’re telling yourself?” and then I share the example of a newly married couple, a husband and a wife who have a fight over dirty socks. Let’s say every time the husband gets home from work, he takes his dirty socks off and leaves them on the bedroom floor. And let’s say the wife asks the husband to please put them into the laundry basket, but he
forgets to do this each time. She might ask a few times and remind him occasionally before giving up. And let’s say resentment and anger are building up inside her, and by the three-month mark of him leaving his dirty socks on
the floor, she is fed up, and eventually lashes out at him concerning the socks. He in turn is surprised by her anger and gets defensive, and says she is making a big deal out of something small. Was this about the dirty socks? What do you think this was about?
We all have these subconscious stories underneath the story, which I sometimes refer to as “shame stories” or “shame narratives,” whether we are
aware of them or not. They usually stem from childhood, and usually involve
past moments of heartache and harm. Think about all the things a person goes through by the time they’re 10. Bullying, neglect, feeling misunderstood by others. The enemy will use any negative experience to plant the seed of
shame in your life. For the wife, maybe she came from a big family and felt like no one paid attention to her growing up. The story the wife was telling herself could have
sounded something like:
– I’m unsupported
– I’m unseen and unheard
– I don’t matter
For the husband, it’s possible he struggled in school and got in trouble a lot for being a class clown. In responding defensively to his wife in this example, we might guess that the story the husband was telling himself could have
sounded something like:
– I’m not good enough
– I’m bad
– It’s my fault
It’s helpful for both partners to understand each other’s shame stories and where they come from. NC Tree Explanation
This is a visual of how our shame stories can affect us. At the top here you will
see the fruit of the tree.
The fruit: unhealthy thoughts,
negative feelings, maladaptive
behaviours /coping mechanisms, and mental health conditions
examples: excessive worry,
despair, anxiety, depression,
isolation, avoidance, pride,
addiction, overspending,
mistrust, bingeing, suicidal
ideation, over-thinking, rage
Down here at the roots you will see the “shame stories.”
The roots: negative beliefs
about the self that form mainly due to childhood experiences involving
heartache and harm
examples:
I’m not good enough
I’m a failure
I’m powerless
I’m not important
It’s my fault
As we talk about the concept of shame stories, it might be a good idea for you
to be curious about some of the unhealthy fruit and the shame stories that
come up for you, as sometimes we can be unaware of the stories that we tell
ourselves. What are they and where do they come from? The hardships we’ve
gone through and the environments we grew up in will plant seeds that grow
into these roots, these shame stories, which impact the fruit in our lives.
If you’d like, you can take some time after the retreat to fill out your own tree,
which, as we will see later on, can be very helpful in stress and conflict
management.
A quick note on anxiety and depression
I wanted to briefly outline information about anxiety and depression, since
those words will come up a lot today.
These conditions are different from worry and sadness, and many people live
with anxiety and depression for so long that they don’t even realise that they
are anxious or depressed. I’d actually argue that for most of us, at some point
in our lives, whether the season is long or short, most of us could have been
diagnosed with anxiety or depression.
Simply put, anxiety is when you worry excessively more days than not. You
can experience symptoms such as restlessness, muscle tension, and racing
thoughts.
Depression is a condition with persistent sadness and lack of interest in daily
activities for most of the day, more days than not. Many who are depressed
have low energy, feel worthless, and have difficulty concentrating.
The Impact of Unresolved Conflict and Stress
We’re going to switch gears a bit and explore the impact of unresolved conflict
and stress. Whether it’s relational, marital, or financial stress, unresolved
stress can have a huge impact on mental health, especially when it goes on
for too long. Many women are struggling with mental health concerns such as
anxiety and depression because of unmet needs and constant conflict within
their relationships.
Financial stress is always rated one of the top stressors that marriages
experience, so financial stress and marital stress are actually very closely
linked. Financial pressure can certainly cause ongoing conflict and division in
marriages, especially when it comes to the topics of opposing views on money
and when couples are not able to follow a budget.
I do believe that in some contexts, financial stress can impact women
differently. For example, a recent survey found that Canadian women are 12%
more likely to be stressed about finances than Canadian men. Although not
always, we do see a trend in families where women often take on most of the
emotional burden of running a household and therefore need to be heavily
involved in the financial budgeting of a family.
Financial stress can particularly weigh a person down on a daily basis. In
cases where my clients have experienced low-income living, poverty, or even
just prolonged financial stress, the effects are so far-reaching that it impacts
every area of their lives and they often end up living life through a scarcity
lens, which can lead to mental health conditions such as depression and
anxiety.
Cup Theory:
Let’s explore specifically about unresolved stress now. I’ll usually use a cup to
illustrate it, and I call this “cup theory.” The water represents your stress levels.
If you take a look at this cup, it has two layers. The first layer represents
day-to-day stressors like caring for a family, managing a work day, and being
stuck in traffic. This section may also include minor conflict with loved ones.
The bottom-most layer here represents unresolved wounding from a person’s
past, and this is where you’ll also find a person’s shame stories.
What happens when your cup is too full? It spills over, and we end up seeing
symptoms such as relational conflict, anger, and unhealthy coping. If your cup
is too full, for far too long, then a person usually ends up with chronic health
concerns or mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. When our
cups spill over, we’ll usually make a splash on those who are closest to us,
also often leading to relationship conflict.
First, we’ll discuss skills that will likely help with both layers of stress, but will
especially serve day-to-day stressors and lighter conflicts.
“I” Statements – Who has heard of “I” Statements? In healthy conflict
resolution, you’ll always hear about using “I” Statements.
I feel _______________________________________
(The emotions you feel)
when ______________________________________
(The situation/what happened)
because ___________________________________.
(How you were affected/THE reason why)
I need _____________________________________.
(What you need from them)
DEARMAN
Use “DEARMAN” for effective interpersonal communication & healthy conflict
resolution
DESCRIBE Describe the current situation. Stick to the facts.
Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
EXPRESS
Let others know how a situation makes you feel by
clearly expressing your feelings. Don’t expect
others to read your mind. Try using “I”
statements.”
ASSERT
Don’t beat around the bush. Ask for what you
want, or say “no” in a clear way when setting a
boundary. Do not assume others know what you
want.
REINFORCE
Reward people who respond well, and reinforce
why your desired outcome is positive. If
necessary, clarify the negative consequences of
not getting what you want or need.
MINDFUL
Don’t forget the objective of the interaction. It can
be easy to get sidetracked into harmful arguments
and lose focus. Do not respond to attacks.
APPEAR
Appear confident, effective, and confident.
Consider your posture, tone, eye contact, and
body language.
NEGOTIATE
No one can have everything they want out of an
interaction all the time. Be open to negotiation.
Focus on what will work.
There are many other communication tools out there, and I’ve included some
resources in my handouts for you to consider.
The General Steps of Stress Management and Conflict Resolution to
Heal Unresolved Wounding
Now what about this bottom layer of unresolved wounding?
The following steps apply to stress management, whether it be relational,
marital, or financial, and can even apply to successful conflict resolution.
1. Identify trigger points.
2. Become curious about your shame stories. Communicate them.
3. Invite God and grace into your process.
4. Be in community.
5. Seek professional help and outside resources.
1. Identify trigger points
Identify the things, circumstances, and scenarios that set you off. In terms of
finances, for example, these can be the circumstances, like a stressful
season, that cause overspending. In relationships I call trigger points “raw
points,” and they are hypersensitivities formed in a person’s past that make a
person feel extremely emotional, sometimes what we see as unreasonably
emotional. These raw trigger points usually lead to unhelpful coping
behaviours and conflict in relationships.
2. Become curious about your shame stories and communicate them.
Identify the shame story that you’re telling yourself, the lens that you’re
operating out of. This takes time and effort on your part, and it’s a very curious
and reflective process
This is about understanding that shame stories cause unhelpful behaviours
that can cause division in relationships and stress in one’s life.
It’s also about knowing who your enemy is. In relational conflict, your friends,
family members, or spouse are not your enemy. The Bible says that we don’t
wrestle against flesh in blood, but that there is an enemy on this earth who
wants to cause division and steal from our lives, who wants us to shame and
condemn ourselves as well as our loved ones.
Communicate with your partner or loved ones about your triggers and shame
stories, so they know what sets you off and can be sensitive to your needs.
3. Invite God and grace into your process
The next step is to invite God into your story and let Him heal the parts of your
narrative that are triggered in your relationships. Ask him where your shame
stories came from and ask God to help you heal through them. Read your
Bible and replace these lies with the truth about who you are.
Try to identify the experiences, circumstances, and people that contributed to
your shame stories, and ask God to help you forgive anyone from your past
and present that you need to forgive. Remember that in all circumstances, no
matter what’s been done to you or what you yourself have done, God wants to
trade shame, condemnation, and guilt for love, mercy and grace.
Forgiveness is key, and you might need someone to help you pray through the
forgiveness. Although I’m trained in research-based ways to help heal a
person’s trauma, the most lasting and miraculous recoveries I’ve seen as a
therapist have always included God and the concept of forgiveness.
I’ll actually tell you briefly about one woman I’m seeing in my practice, without
giving any identifying details. This woman came to me and when I did her
history, she had the worst abuse history I’d ever encountered as a
psychologist. She did intensive therapy with me and we never did a single
trauma treatment. All we did was prayer and forgiveness, and her symptoms
began to fall away, one by one. It’s been incredible watching her go from daily
panic attacks to none whatsoever. That’s the power of God and the power of
true forgiveness.
When you forgive, your shame stories begin to heal, and you are not triggered
into producing unhealthy fruit, which are unhelpful patterns of behaving,
thinking, and feeling that cause relationship conflict and stress. And when you
heal your roots, you start to chip away at this bottom layer of your cup.
4. Be in community
Certain things in life help a person be resilient and have the ability to bounce
back when they’re stressed. And one of those main things is being in a
healthy community. Being in a healthy community will allow you to see positive
relationships between people and allow you to be supported by the members
of this community.
5. Seek professional help and outside resources
This is about seeking a professional to help you along in your journey towards
constructive conflict resolution and effective stress management.
I would encourage all couples to do some form of couples counselling if
possible, even if it’s just once per calendar year. For those of you who are
married, this step is also about knowing when you definitely should see a
marriage therapist. Down below, I provided a summary of the Four Horsemen,
which are unhealthy behaviours that harm a relationship. According to John
Gottman, the Four Horsemen, when used often and ongoingly in a
relationship, can actually predict the end of a relationship.
Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your relationship is a necessary
step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy and productive ways
of communicating.
FINANCIAL PLANNING STRATEGIES TO
REDUCE STRESS (DAVE RAMSEY)
1. GET ON A BUDGET AND TRACK YOUR
SPENDING – talk about the apps
2. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FOUR WALLS FIRST
(FOOD, UTILITIES, SHELTER,
TRANSPORTATION) – prioritize where your money goes
3. CUT EXTRA EXPENSES – simplify your lifestyle
4. START AN EMERGENCY FUND – in case you need a large sum of money
asap
5. DITCH AND PAY DOWN DEBT – use the debt snowball method
6. INCREASE YOUR INCOME – if you can
7. LIVE BELOW YOUR MEANS – only spend what you have, limit credit card
use
8. SAVE UP FOR BIG PURCHASES
9. REMEMBER YOUR “WHY” –
10. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF NEEDED (especially in cases of
spending addiction or marital stress due to finances)
THE FOUR HORSEMEN
AND HOW TO STOP THEM WITH THEIR ANTIDOTES
CRITICISM: Verbally
attacking personality or
character.
GENTLE START UP:
Talk about your feelings
using “I” statements, and
express a positive need.
CONTEMPT: Attacking
sense of self with an intent
to insult or abuse
BUILD A CULTURE OF
APPRECIATION: Remind
yourself of your partner’s
positive qualities and
actions. Find gratitude.
DEFENSIVENESS:
Victimizing yourself to ward
off a perceived attack and
reverse the blame.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY:
Accept your partner’s
perspective and offer an
apology for any
wrongdoing.
STONEWALLING:
Withdrawing to avoid
conflict and convey
disapproval, distance, and
separation.
PHYSIOLOGICALLY
SELF-SOOTHING: Take
a break and spend that
time doing something
soothing and distracting.
RESOURCES
7 Principles for making marriage work – John Gottman
Created For connection – Sue Johnson & Kenneth Sanderfer
Boundaries – Henry cloud & John Townsend
Use “DEARMAN” for effective interpersonal communication & healthy conflict
resolution
DESCRIBE Describe the current situation. Stick to the facts. Tell
the person exactly what you are reacting to.
EXPRESS
Let others know how a situation makes you feel by
clearly expressing your feelings. Don’t expect others to
read your mind. Try using “I” statements.”
ASSERT
Don’t beat around the bush. Ask for what you want, or
say “no” in a clear way when setting a boundary. Do
not assume others know what you want.
REINFORCE
Reward people who respond well, and reinforce why
your desired outcome is positive. If necessary, clarify
the negative consequences of not getting what you
want or need.
MINDFUL
Don’t forget the objective of the interaction. It can be
easy to get sidetracked into harmful arguments and
lose focus. Do not respond to attacks.
APPEAR Appear confident, effective, and confident. Consider
your posture, tone, eye contact, and body language.
NEGOTIATE
No one can have everything they want out of an
interaction all the time. Be open to negotiation. Focus
on what will work.
APPS AND FURTHER READING
“YOU NEED A BUDGET” APP WWW.YNAB.COM
“Everydollar” app www.ramseysolutions.com